TV Ads R’ Weird

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The first ad ever to be aired was on July 1, 1941 and was a picture of a watch with that deep voice voice over guy always on 40’s TV. If you’re to dumb to notice, it advertised watches. Click here to see it.

Ever since than, millions upon millions of ads have been created and shown. And some are truly awful. Not all, like that one where that creepy spider, a metaphor for cigarettes, crawls into all these teenagers mouths. Hey! Don’t smoke, kids.

Anyway, here is what I have to say about TV ads.

Old Cigarette Ads. In 1974, ads endorsing cigarettes were banned. For obvious reasons. However, you can still see some old ones online. Are they campy and stupid. All of them include how sweet tasting their brand is. How fresh their brand is. (Ironic.) Or how much bile you’ll cough up when you’re 75. Nowadays, ads like those wouldn’t fly. Frankly, you’d get some less than desirable phone calls from the F.C.C.

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But what is really angering is that in the really old commercials, they even have actors pose as doctors and endorse their product. Like that’s going to go over easy in the long run. Now a days if someone did that, I can assure you about 10 million parents would tear apart the cigarette companies.


The commercials that I just don’t give a _____ about. Like those car commercials where some buff guy who looks like Barbie Ken drives around a car and blabs about how awesome it is.

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In one particularly uninspired and stupid one, a bunch of clips of dumb teenagers doing dumb teenager things. And the voice over talks about how great it was when “YOU WERE YOU!” Wow, last time I checked a handful of the teenagers in my town were vaping. I feel so much like I want to buy a trashy car.

Or maybe one of those commercials where someone is talking while a family smiles and laughs. Yay, prescription drugs. It’s so interesting when they show a 15 second long picture of the bottle.


Product? These are the commercials where what their selling is downright stupid. Medicine? Okay, but keep in mind it’ll give you breast cancer and may result in epileptic seizures and severe coughing fits. Food? Fine but take a picture of food from 11 Madison Park and say it’s your own. Electronics? Nobody will notice that it’s scotch taped together.

Like really, what am I going to do with this:

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A hollow golf club to pee in!

I bet Trump has about 300 of those. I bet that embarrasses poor Baron. But anyway, I’ve made my point.


Forgettable. This is like the one above, except dumbed down. These are the commercials that have a TV announcer talking and then it’s over. What about a middle aged man’s voice is going to make me want to buy a new radiator or something?

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We only care about money. We’ve all seen one like this. They don’t care about YOU. But if you buy what their offering, they love you. Take a commercial aired a few years ago where Pandas running a struggling bamboo shop are sad because they might go out of business. Except the pandas talked with heavy and overly stereotyped Asian accents. Wow, I want to endorse your cash grab product NOW.

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The good ones. And to end I’m looking at the ads that make you want to buy their product. Maybe have a superstar celebrity, or perhaps are just creative and make you laugh. I’m sorry to say that America is in a commercial depression. Literally. But good commercials are still out there and will still occasionally be aired.

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And this is your brain on heroin. 

 

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3 More Things I Can’t Stand About The Emoji Movie (2017)

“Throw some sauce on that Dance burrito!”

“Candy Crush: Divine, sweet, tasty… Delicious…”

The Emoji Pop!”

“Poop: Okay, son. What do we do after we go potty?

Poop Jr. ‘PJ’: Should we wash our hands?

[they both start to laugh]

PoopPoop Jr. ‘PJ’: We’re number two!”

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Ugh! Groan! The Emoji Movie is the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire life. I wrote a full review of it (CLICK HERE TO SEE IT), but when I finished it, I realized their were 3 things I couldn’t shove into a single review. So to add to what I missed, here are the 3 crucial things I never got to in my review. I’m going to delve deeper into this movie than even I want to do.


1: Sir Patrick Stewart Plays Poop. You heard that right, one of the best actors of the century- who played in Star Trek- plays the poop emoji. Sony wanted it to be a joke, you know, he’s so elegant and it’s ironic he plays poop, or something. But every time he spoke, I felt like a bazooka was being fired into my ear.

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2: Numerous Plot Holes. Fine, you might say, even if it’s all that it still might have a good plot. Sadly, I can’t promise even that. Not only is it about emojis, and treats Dropbox like the all mighty iphone ruler, but also has a Swiss cheese plot. Let’s look at some of the holes:

  • When Jailbreak, Gene, and Hi-5 visit Candy Crush, Hi-5 eats a ton of a candy. He even admits that he loves it. Not only did it make me wonder if emojis can get diabetes, but would that mean Hi-5 is a cannibal. There is a variety of food emojis in Textopolis. Does Hi-5 eat his friends?
  • During the end, right before the phone is completely wiped, Gene creates a “super” emoji and Alex, the phone’s owner, is still able to send it. Also, the phone is completely unwiped when he unplugs the phone. That’s not how phones work.
  • It’s never explained why if Jailbreak can summon the Twitter bird to take them home, she couldn’t summon it to take them there.

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3: According to the US government, it’s illegal. On the list of broadcasting regulations, it is said that if you include a product placement, like The Emoji Movie, in large font you have to disclose it either at the beginning or during the film. The Emoji Movie addresses it 5 minutes into the credits in small font. Now, what do you think of that.

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Book Vs. The Movie #1: The Long Haul

New series. I compare good books to their lousy adaptations. Here is the first one I came up with. I hope you enjoy it.

Book Review: The Long Haul is a wildly funny new entry to The Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series published in 2014. It is sarcastic and great and a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

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Movie Review: The movie was a box office bomb and is a painful watch with jokes that tank more than the US military. (Pardon the pun.) And it has a script that will make you feel like you’re developing tumors in your ears it’s that bad. This movie doesn’t deserve it’s 19% on Rotten Tomatoes, it deserves to be obliterated instantly.


The Book’s Humor: The book has this sense of prolonged sarcasm and is filled with rye humor. A lot like a real, surly teenager is writing it, not an adult. It’s hard to write like that, which brings me to the movie.

Screen Shot 2018-11-13 at 4.48.07 PMThe Movie’s Humor: Unlike the book, the “humor” didn’t come from someone trying to make you laugh at all. Choked with butt jokes that make me want to crawl underneath the sheets in my bed and cry and a duly amount of jokes deep as a puddle. More stupid than funny actually. Also, in the book, anything could happen and it would still be hilarious, Greg could literally say anything. In the movie, everytime Greg tries to be funny I get a lump in my throat and I cringe.


The Book’s Plot: The book has a well paced plot that has event after event arranged just right. It makes sense and that is part of what makes it so fun to read. Even if something unpredictable happens, it still doesn’t feel out of place.

Screen Shot 2018-11-13 at 4.56.43 PMThe Movie’s Plot: I don’t know, it just feels so random and stupid. It feels like a bunch of clips of strung together by people screaming. I’m going to go get some aspirin.

This might seem of topic, but in the comment section of the movie trailer on Youtube, about 70% of the comments are these 3 words: #NotMyRodrick 


Screen Shot 2018-11-13 at 5.04.25 PMThe Book’s Heart: The book stemmed entirely from someone trying to give something they put time and thought into to the literary world. The book is a story that the author cared about to publish it. A story that deserves it’s critical acclaim. A story that deserves to stay the art that it is.

The Movie’s Heart: There isn’t any. Some Hollywood producer decided that money could be made off the book and with little effort, the movie was born. It exists only to steal the cash of the book’s fans and capitalize on it’s popularity. It can not and will not have heart. It’s dead. It has about as much love and art as a hairball I once stepped on. That’s my 2 cents.


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Before I go, I just want to oggle the trailer’s dislike ratio.

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4 Fiction Book Tropes I’m Tired Of

trope
/trōp/
noun
noun: trope; plural noun: tropes
  1. 1.
    a figurative or metaphorical use of a word or expression.
    “he used the two-Americas trope to explain how a nation free and democratic at home could act wantonly abroad”
  • a significant or recurrent theme; a motif.
“she uses the Eucharist as a pictorial trope”
1: The Chosen One. You’ve read this one before. You know you have. The overused one where a regular old teenager is chosen by . . .the universe? A great wizard? It’s never explained. And I hate this overused one because usually it’s never explained why he or she is so perfect. There is a high school some ways away from where I live. What’s the difference between me walking into that one and pointing at the first person I see. Answer: Nothing.
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2: What the ____ is with all the love? I’ve noticed, in almost every story, a cardboard cutout girl must choose between to hunky, paper plate men. Example: Take Stephanie Meyer’s The Host.

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And I’m fine with love in a book. But some authors use it so much that it screws up the main idea of the book and comes off as just another cheesy romance story.

 


3: Deus Ex Machina. Latin for “God from the Machine”. This phrase means that when there is trouble, something comes along and fixes it instantly. Like in a fiction story, The Chosen One might miraculously find the golden axe that’ll put an end to The Dark Lord just as The Dark Lord himself (yes it’s a he, this is a crappy fiction book) is about to destroy the land the protagonist loves. It is the laziest thing you can do in writing. Personally, I prefer the protagonist realizing a subtle way to end everything, or a sad ending, or a plot twist. But please, not this.

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4: Diversity? This is the story where there is no character that is LGBTQ, or anything but straight and white with blond hair and blue eyes. And if there is a character like that, they’re usually a prop that says 3 words over the course of 40 chapters. Then the author comes up with some stupid excuse like, “Oh . . .they live in a futuristic Germany. Of course there will be a lot of white people.”

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An author on the internet used that as an example. I’m going to quote what they said about it:

“You invented the society.” -Jenna Moreci

I don’t feel any need to say more except that it makes you seem stupid without any diverse characters.


Disclaimer: I did not mean to insult anybody or seem like “That Jerky Blogger” we all know one of. I just chose tropes that I’ve seen way to often. I am not generalizing. Most fiction books avoid those. Those were just some that I’ve seen a couple to many times. Thank you and enjoy your weekend. 3 day long if you’re in the US. HA HA! 

 

 

Season 3 of A Series of Unfortunate Events Coming Soon

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Adaptation of the book series by Lemony Snicket. Book review of them coming soon. 

Once season 2 of A Series of Unfortunate Events was announced, they also said there’d be a third season. Only 3 though, Neil Patrick Harris is against there being more than that. I have loved both and am anticipating the 3rd entry in the Baudelaire’s adventures. They will cover the last 4 books of the series each divvied up into two episodes. So that means we’ll get 8 more episodes, Yay! I am excited to see how they’re played out on screen.

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It’s hard to pin their release date, I’ve looked for any source saying an exact date, but most of them are saying early 2019.

And I’m so excited I could scream. I will.

 

 

 

 

 

Done. So anyway, people, watch them. They’ll be on Netflix.

News and Editorial #5: Banned McDonalds Ad: “Signs”

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The News: In early 2015 during the Golden Globe award ceremony, McDonalds aired a controversial and tasteless (I’ll get to that later) ad that was panned on its release by the public and removed from TV completely.

The ad was made on account of poor sales numbers in the US, and to boost them, McDonalds made this . . .thing . . .ugh.

The general story of this poor piece of propaganda (I looked, that’s the best word to describe it) is a bunch of pictures of signs referencing real world tragedies played to a pop song about as catchy as the sound a mosquito makes. Some of the signs include references to 9/11, or the Boston Marathon Bombings, or even the Copiapó accident.

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Awww, 9/11 reference. I feel so much like I’m part of a big, fast food family and not like I’m being warped into buying stuff that’ll kill me. 

Fortunately, viewers were smart and protested for its extreme insensitivity and it hasn’t been aired since. Also, for the record, this is the company just years prior released a menu item modeled after African cooking while there was a major famine in Africa. They released it twice, actually.

My Thoughts: I hate you McDonalds. HATE YOU! What were you thinking trying to make people honor you through this, ridiculous and freaking tasteless commercial. These are real tragedies, I was in Boston the day of the bombings. Across town yes, but that doesn’t change anything, it’s still as awful as ever. Who do you think you are in thinking that events like 9/11 can be used to benefit yourselves. Tasteless is an understatement, your just being plain awful. I hope someone got fired for this. In fact, I hope you go out of business you PIGS because you sure aren’t making anyone any healthier.

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Healthy man after 30 days of eating McDonalds 3 times a day. Am I getting my point across?

In conclusion, I feel no pity on the rebuke against McDonalds. I’m glad that it happened actually. Not that the commercial was aired of course, but that McDonalds finally got a taste of its own medicine. HA!

 

Pieces of Media That Scared Me as a Child (Includes Spoilers)

A trend has been going around the internet where people talk about movies that scared them as a child. I am becoming more broad and including all media. And if any internet jerks are wondering I’ve recovered completely from these. Don’t make fun of me.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The beginning of this movie is brilliant. I could understand why it’s my Dad’s favorite. But about a half hour from the end, little me started to get bored and frustrated. But the scene that brought it down completely near the very end is where a Nazi man drinks from the wrong cup/not The Holy Grail and his skin becomes all grey and crackly right before he dies.

Screen Shot 2018-10-29 at 5.42.18 PMMeanwhile the Nazi woman screams a bone chilling scream. I still remember that scene making me feel uncomfortable and I shudder to think about it.  

 


The Wizard of Oz. I love this movie, but when I was little it freaked me out. Didn’t it do that to us all. Specifically any scene involving the Wicked Witch of the West gave me nightmares.

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I saw this movie more than once when I was young, each time I would turn it off, but I wasn’t great at timing the scenes when the witch would come so usually I’d end up seeing almost all of them them and being extremely and unconditionally horrified because, you know, it’s a witch and witches are terrifying if you’re 4. Now however, I don’t give a ______ about the witch now and enjoy her performance to great lengths.


E.T. Though I found it charming and moving. I was angered and very afraid of what the enemies would do to E.T. Maybe I can thank Spielberg for making me root for him so much, but at the time I gritted my teeth and hoped that nobody would kill him because I was petrified of that happening.

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The end of the first Harry Potter book. I’m sort of embarrassed about sharing this one, but what the heck. Spoilers by the way. Okay, so at the end of the first book there is a short fight sequence where Voldemort tries to kill Harry and steal the Philosopher’s Stone. He ends up killing Quirrell and the description of boils appearing on his skin and him dying was just too much for little kindergarten me. I had to sleep in the same room as my parents and even then, I was terrified.

I am not scared of the Harry Potter books anymore. I enjoy them now.

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Scene in sixth Harry Potter book. (SPOILER ALERT). Specifically the scene where Harry uses a new learned spell on Malfoy in the bathroom and he starts bleeding excessively. I was so disturbed and revolted by that scene I had to put the book down and stop the series for almost 6 months. Even now I feel light headed and weird thinking about that scene.

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I finished the series eventually, but not after I had a large enough portion of Harry Potter violence.